collegiate diversion

My back aches like hell. I don’t particularly mind telling you this. Perhaps it’s the new mattress I am not accustomed to, or the 6 hr bus ride home that took so much out of me. Being out of college is such a weird experience.Like being out of your body, the one they told you you’re supposed to love and nurture.So, college student = vagabond, or nomad. (I’ve taken to mathematics again). You move from place to place, with little or no purpose, but always with the potential of growth. Why do we do that? When do you have time to settle?I’m not too sure whether I like being back home today. It’s beautiful out, everything in the city was blanketed. Here’s hoping for a white Christmas, I guess there’s just too much here.I spent a lot of the day with my brother, sort of a rarity for us, and Christmas shopping of all things. I mean, yikes! Talk about American consumption trifling two~fold because of stress and the holidays. Is it really so many days before Christmas? And is that such a crisis?I think I went into crisis mode tonight. There’s this great song that expresses a “fear of comparison shopping.” I think I finally get what that Metric woman was talking about.But being in the city, I also kept thinking I’d bump into you, oddly. Like being back here had brought me into something I didn’t want to know. What is it about the holidays that revives the ghost of Christmas Past? Maybe because you’re the only person I’ve kissed on New Years’ Eve, for all those years we fooled each other into thinking our winter solstice was such sweet solace.I miss you, but not nearly as much as I miss my best friend, I missed her even more when she wasn’t home tonight. With my sudden and random stop by the house, with my brother in toe, just to say hello. The rest of the evening just got more depressing from there.I really hate arguing with my brother. We can be pretty great together, mostly because he doesn’t judge me for being cracked out of my head. He’s one of the two people I can selflessly say think that I am cool. But that’s only because they smash that thought too often into my brain.I don’t know what they are talking about. Jeezzzzz.I keep thinking a lot will get better before the holidays, or during, or “by” them. I don’t know why we place so much importance on the spirit. It was the thing my mother softened the blow with when she told me there was no Santa Clause.“No Santa Samantha, but there is such a thing as the Christmas spirit that captivates everyone.”Is this Christmas spirit? Or did I just miss it?

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