Jan 05 2009
Definition - and speak up, bitch.
How does one define themselves? Retro, vintage, preppy, of the indie-rock persuasion…How does one define themselves with others? Boyfriend, girlfriend, brother, sister, tool, asshole, lover, bitch…How does one articulate emotion? Lost, happy, confuse, spent, well-off.
It’s better than nothing, I guess.
I’m getting too caught up in the labels. Not like my friend, who digs the stitched crocodile and polo guy, the American Eagle, the Versace, “I’m a” routine, including the all generic Conservative, Catholic, etc.
If I attempted to define myself, I’m sure I would be just as equally bored as before I set out. That damned quest for the perfect words.
The perfect words?
“You seemed so fucking perfect and everybody loves you but you screwed up so horribly when you played me and left the country, stringing me up in a way that I thought 4 months apart would mean little in the land of ‘thank god you are home!’ ”
You’re a real jerk, you know? And those are the perfect words. thx very much.
“If you meant to make it about selfish sex and romantic dates with no connection, you should have said so. Don’t fuck me up, make me think that my seven years of crushing on you has come to the perfect close.”
IF everyone wants to be so goddamned articulate, we should start communicating?
Like this guy the other night, with the meal he cooked, and the champagne left over and movie and his arms and the steel stud in his face…he should have said something more than just leaving me with that ambiguous good-bye kiss.
“Fair well darling girl, you’re sexy as fuck and I’ll call you.”
(sigh) OR, or something more realistic like: “That was great, thanks, but I’m cool with leaving it at that.”
I mean, just say something! Instead of not calling the next day. And remaining silent, leaving me to my own devices. Oh you 26 year-old frat boy, you know the drill.
I hated when I told my mother I met him, and she said “Is he as incredible as that other guy?” Fail, and Ma, of course not.
~~~
I’ve come to embrace the phone because now look!, the humans are forced to communicate! But it’s shocking how little we say and how closed-off we still remain. I guess we’re just evolving at getting very good at this esoteric, ambiguous, secretive and alone thing.
Check.
My EX hardly said anything, in the 3 months of summer loving. Well, I guess, not really loving. I said a lot, and he absolutely nothing.
If there is a game between the sexes, I must be losing. I talk to much. I’m too intimidating, I got it, I got it, I got it.
But why won’t you just tell me that? Rather than leave me to my own devices to over analyzing and critique just why the fuck I am not worth your time.
